Precisely that. Forgive me, I know the futility of imagining alternatives to the path we are now on but I seem to want little more than to imagine the version of events where we have known each other years instead of days. A lifetime is a long time, James. Maybe too long to spend with someone who is merely a business partner.
When in prison, one has very little to entertain himself. I have spent years imagining these ends, of what I would have done had I not allowed myself to be caught. I’m not sure you would like the answer. Perhaps it’s a similar question you find yourself with. What do you do once the shield is recovered and Walker is stripped of his power? Once you have brought Karli Morgenthau to justice?
What purpose does my life still hold, having finished my work? I’m not sure there is one.
I have no qualms with futility. I think that if we had years instead of days, we both would have been all the different for it. Maybe your mind would have settled before you felt the need to bring your vision to the world. In that, maybe you would have found a kind of peace that didn't involve some of the choices you made. And maybe I could have found my own peace with you.
No, I doubt that I would have enjoyed the answer then. I know what happens when someone has too much time to think about the ways in which they felt wronged by the world and how they could imagine their vengeance. What I do is I go home to an empty apartment, an empty life. The last few days have made me feel more alive than I have in a long time.
I can't answer that for you except to say that your interests went beyond the serum. You know more about that part of the world than even I do. Maybe I'll need information again. Or maybe just conversations.
There is no knowing exactly how different we would be, but I imagine I would feel differently about super soldiers. Maybe I would feel differently about power and who should have it. I would not have suffered losses in that universe, and maybe you would not have, either. Then there would have been no vision of mine to bring, if my will were not so dominated by justice and revenge.
I suppose all we have left to us are slowly limiting options. I don't wake in my German jail cell and you don't sleep in your empty apartment. What we have is here, right now. You should know I have not felt such enjoyment in life in many years. I have you to thank for that. I'm grateful.
[ there's a pause here, no ellipses to imply zemo's typing or retyping his response. what he is is thinking, internalizing the implications behind bucky's words.
zemo's future narrows by the minute. he sighs, eyes closed, the sound soft. ]
So long as I'm able, I'm always available for you, James. Conversations, information, or otherwise.
That's the power and weakness in hypotheticals. Maybe I would have changed your mind but then the whole world would be different. An undivided Avengers, a shift of power and maybe the outcome would have been the same in another way. Is it comforting to think of a better world or one made worse? Sometimes, I can't tell the difference.
The walls close in and those options start to limit. I can't charm Ayo enough to make her turn a blind eye to you. I think maybe I would if I could, which is a terrifying idea. I can see what's coming just as clearly as you can. And in spite of myself, I'm grateful too. Maybe I wasn't in the literal walls of a jail but sometimes that's how my life feels. I found that I've enjoyed myself with you and I never would have expected that.
Then that's what I'll hold onto. The world turned its way to bring our lives back together once. It can do it again, especially if we both push it along in the right direction.
I'm not sure which is worse. If the world were a better place, maybe there would not be room for us in it. But I don't want to see a world more wracked by displacement, inequity and grief either. I gave my soul over to my country to make it better, not worse.
I know you can't. There is an inevitability in my life, considering my deeds. I know I'm living on borrowed time now. But I intend to make as much use of it as I can, especially now that I know you feel the same.
Ah, this is a side to you I haven't seen before. Be careful, or too much optimism will make you sound like Steve Rogers.
We're not men who are built for the better world. What place do soldiers have in that? I feel the same about mine. Those feelings probably push up against each other more than we would like and we find ourselves on those opposite sides.
You've done what you promised to do. And more than what you said that you would. You deserve to have as much of that time as you can, borrowed as it might be.
I've never been accused of being the optimist before.
We have invested in skills that are swiftly becoming unfavourable. I learned to kill. To repurpose. To learn and to control. What we know how to do just makes us tools of war. You must become more than that now, James. The nightmares will never stop coming so long as you give them oxygen to burn.
We have played a zero-sum game. Depriving me of my life brings you nothing, and the reverse is true for me. What I deserve in the meantime is of little consequence. I'll take what you are willing to give me. That much must be clear to you now.
Maybe you just never had a reason to share such optimism. I hope, for both our sakes, that we will meet again under better circumstances.
We're becoming dangerously out of fashion, you and me. Of course, that's what they profess to say and yet, they'll always end up needing the likes of us. One side or another will. My nightmares don't seem that they'll ever go away. There's no switch or balance of the scales to make them fade.
I think I've made it clear what I intend to offer in the meantime. That the time between now and what has to happen is off the record. No one has to know what happens between us except for us.
I hope so too. I like to think that maybe the universe owes me a little bit. Maybe time to cash in.
No, you're right. The amends you make don't ease your conscience. They leave you longing for a sense of closure that will never come. I know how it feels.
Much of what you do is off the record. I don't need to indulge in such secrecy myself. Not here. I would show you off, if I could. I thought maybe I could be satisfied simply by travelling with you. Letting you access places you could never reach without my help. But it has only inspired further imaginings for me.
A pity we will soon run out of time when hope seems at its brightest. Cash in on your favours now. Come see me.
I'm starting to think that the concept of closure is a lie and that it doesn't really exist for anyone. No, what I do doesn't ease my conscience. I have people telling me that things weren't my fault and none of that helps either.
Didn't you get your fill of showing me off in Madripoor? What are you imagining then? I know that you have enjoyed exposing me to your wealth and privilege. What else?
If only I felt any satisfaction in your mere exposure to my privilege. After years in prison, I think you can imagine how exciting it is for me to experience the lifestyle I was accustomed to. That I had two others to share such pleasures with - well. It has been great fun for me.
As for my imaginings, they vary in scope. Sometimes I imagine you as my business partner, like we had discussed. Longtime friends who share worldviews. Other times, we are closer than friends. We are companions. Wherever I go, you are with me. As both threat and asset. You make for a marvelous bodyguard but equally appealing as a partner of a different sort.
Will you take my other robe? I still want to see you wear it.
It's not a lifestyle that I'm used to, I can tell you that much. You made for a good guide in that world of luxury where I've only ever been when I was standing silently at some important madman's side before now. I could tell that you were enjoying yourself.
In an imagining where anything is possible, being more than the asset is an appealing thought. It's been a long time since I've been anyone's companion in that way. I hope that in your images on the matter, I make for good company.
No. You are not like them. For the reasons that you mentioned--my benefit and my free will in the matter--and because surely you have studied men like Alexander Pierce enough to know the ways that you would differ from him.
I would be the way that I am now. Maybe a little contrary and just as vocal in speaking out my differences with you. But welcoming the similarities as well.
We both know how I differ from Pierce. He gave the order for many of your last missions, even if you had not seen him face to face for all of them. Do you wish you had been able to exact revenge?
You should not hold back on contrary opinions with me. You don't seem to do it now. I wouldn't want you to.
He gave me orders for more than the last ones. I remember him when he was young and I remember seeing his face change over the years, each time when I was pulled from cryofreeze on his orders. He's dead. Does it matter how or by what hand?
I don't but that might be an attractive trait over days; maybe less so over the course of years if we had that together.
It does not matter to history or to HYDRA. But if it matters to you, then it matters.
You have implied more than once that I might grow tired of you if we spent more time together. While we cannot predict impossible futures, I assure you I would only find you more interesting. Not less.
It matters to me. It all matters to me. I know that I'm supposed to be putting it behind me and moving beyond the traumas of the past but it's ever present and it feels like a lie to say it's not.
Maybe I think that James Barnes isn't as interesting as the Winter Soldier. So as I become more detached from that part of myself, I suppose I wonder. But thank you for saying that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
sexting overflow; longingrusted
Date: 2021-04-17 07:53 pm (UTC)Precisely that. Forgive me, I know the futility of imagining alternatives to the path we are now on but I seem to want little more than to imagine the version of events where we have known each other years instead of days. A lifetime is a long time, James. Maybe too long to spend with someone who is merely a business partner.
When in prison, one has very little to entertain himself. I have spent years imagining these ends, of what I would have done had I not allowed myself to be caught. I’m not sure you would like the answer. Perhaps it’s a similar question you find yourself with. What do you do once the shield is recovered and Walker is stripped of his power? Once you have brought Karli Morgenthau to justice?
What purpose does my life still hold, having finished my work? I’m not sure there is one.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-17 07:59 pm (UTC)No, I doubt that I would have enjoyed the answer then. I know what happens when someone has too much time to think about the ways in which they felt wronged by the world and how they could imagine their vengeance. What I do is I go home to an empty apartment, an empty life. The last few days have made me feel more alive than I have in a long time.
I can't answer that for you except to say that your interests went beyond the serum. You know more about that part of the world than even I do. Maybe I'll need information again. Or maybe just conversations.
i drinks my ep5 angst piping hot
Date: 2021-04-17 09:36 pm (UTC)I suppose all we have left to us are slowly limiting options. I don't wake in my German jail cell and you don't sleep in your empty apartment. What we have is here, right now. You should know I have not felt such enjoyment in life in many years. I have you to thank for that. I'm grateful.
[ there's a pause here, no ellipses to imply zemo's typing or retyping his response. what he is is thinking, internalizing the implications behind bucky's words.
zemo's future narrows by the minute. he sighs, eyes closed, the sound soft. ]
So long as I'm able, I'm always available for you, James. Conversations, information, or otherwise.
the best part of waking up
Date: 2021-04-17 09:46 pm (UTC)The walls close in and those options start to limit. I can't charm Ayo enough to make her turn a blind eye to you. I think maybe I would if I could, which is a terrifying idea. I can see what's coming just as clearly as you can. And in spite of myself, I'm grateful too. Maybe I wasn't in the literal walls of a jail but sometimes that's how my life feels. I found that I've enjoyed myself with you and I never would have expected that.
Then that's what I'll hold onto. The world turned its way to bring our lives back together once. It can do it again, especially if we both push it along in the right direction.
is zemobucky in your cup
Date: 2021-04-17 10:28 pm (UTC)I know you can't. There is an inevitability in my life, considering my deeds. I know I'm living on borrowed time now. But I intend to make as much use of it as I can, especially now that I know you feel the same.
Ah, this is a side to you I haven't seen before. Be careful, or too much optimism will make you sound like Steve Rogers.
always
Date: 2021-04-17 10:36 pm (UTC)You've done what you promised to do. And more than what you said that you would. You deserve to have as much of that time as you can, borrowed as it might be.
I've never been accused of being the optimist before.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 02:00 am (UTC)We have played a zero-sum game. Depriving me of my life brings you nothing, and the reverse is true for me. What I deserve in the meantime is of little consequence. I'll take what you are willing to give me. That much must be clear to you now.
Maybe you just never had a reason to share such optimism. I hope, for both our sakes, that we will meet again under better circumstances.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 12:37 pm (UTC)I think I've made it clear what I intend to offer in the meantime. That the time between now and what has to happen is off the record. No one has to know what happens between us except for us.
I hope so too. I like to think that maybe the universe owes me a little bit. Maybe time to cash in.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 05:37 am (UTC)Much of what you do is off the record. I don't need to indulge in such secrecy myself. Not here. I would show you off, if I could. I thought maybe I could be satisfied simply by travelling with you. Letting you access places you could never reach without my help. But it has only inspired further imaginings for me.
A pity we will soon run out of time when hope seems at its brightest. Cash in on your favours now. Come see me.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 12:13 pm (UTC)Didn't you get your fill of showing me off in Madripoor? What are you imagining then? I know that you have enjoyed exposing me to your wealth and privilege. What else?
Alright. I'll come see you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 06:45 am (UTC)As for my imaginings, they vary in scope. Sometimes I imagine you as my business partner, like we had discussed. Longtime friends who share worldviews. Other times, we are closer than friends. We are companions. Wherever I go, you are with me. As both threat and asset. You make for a marvelous bodyguard but equally appealing as a partner of a different sort.
Will you take my other robe? I still want to see you wear it.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 11:44 am (UTC)In an imagining where anything is possible, being more than the asset is an appealing thought. It's been a long time since I've been anyone's companion in that way. I hope that in your images on the matter, I make for good company.
Yes. I'll wear it for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 02:18 pm (UTC)In my imaginings, you don’t behave too differently than you do now. That would make you someone else. What kind of companion would you be?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 03:30 pm (UTC)I would be the way that I am now. Maybe a little contrary and just as vocal in speaking out my differences with you. But welcoming the similarities as well.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 07:46 pm (UTC)You should not hold back on contrary opinions with me. You don't seem to do it now. I wouldn't want you to.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 11:36 pm (UTC)I don't but that might be an attractive trait over days; maybe less so over the course of years if we had that together.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 06:29 pm (UTC)You have implied more than once that I might grow tired of you if we spent more time together. While we cannot predict impossible futures, I assure you I would only find you more interesting. Not less.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 09:42 pm (UTC)Maybe I think that James Barnes isn't as interesting as the Winter Soldier. So as I become more detached from that part of myself, I suppose I wonder. But thank you for saying that.