We're not men who are built for the better world. What place do soldiers have in that? I feel the same about mine. Those feelings probably push up against each other more than we would like and we find ourselves on those opposite sides.
You've done what you promised to do. And more than what you said that you would. You deserve to have as much of that time as you can, borrowed as it might be.
I've never been accused of being the optimist before.
We have invested in skills that are swiftly becoming unfavourable. I learned to kill. To repurpose. To learn and to control. What we know how to do just makes us tools of war. You must become more than that now, James. The nightmares will never stop coming so long as you give them oxygen to burn.
We have played a zero-sum game. Depriving me of my life brings you nothing, and the reverse is true for me. What I deserve in the meantime is of little consequence. I'll take what you are willing to give me. That much must be clear to you now.
Maybe you just never had a reason to share such optimism. I hope, for both our sakes, that we will meet again under better circumstances.
We're becoming dangerously out of fashion, you and me. Of course, that's what they profess to say and yet, they'll always end up needing the likes of us. One side or another will. My nightmares don't seem that they'll ever go away. There's no switch or balance of the scales to make them fade.
I think I've made it clear what I intend to offer in the meantime. That the time between now and what has to happen is off the record. No one has to know what happens between us except for us.
I hope so too. I like to think that maybe the universe owes me a little bit. Maybe time to cash in.
No, you're right. The amends you make don't ease your conscience. They leave you longing for a sense of closure that will never come. I know how it feels.
Much of what you do is off the record. I don't need to indulge in such secrecy myself. Not here. I would show you off, if I could. I thought maybe I could be satisfied simply by travelling with you. Letting you access places you could never reach without my help. But it has only inspired further imaginings for me.
A pity we will soon run out of time when hope seems at its brightest. Cash in on your favours now. Come see me.
I'm starting to think that the concept of closure is a lie and that it doesn't really exist for anyone. No, what I do doesn't ease my conscience. I have people telling me that things weren't my fault and none of that helps either.
Didn't you get your fill of showing me off in Madripoor? What are you imagining then? I know that you have enjoyed exposing me to your wealth and privilege. What else?
If only I felt any satisfaction in your mere exposure to my privilege. After years in prison, I think you can imagine how exciting it is for me to experience the lifestyle I was accustomed to. That I had two others to share such pleasures with - well. It has been great fun for me.
As for my imaginings, they vary in scope. Sometimes I imagine you as my business partner, like we had discussed. Longtime friends who share worldviews. Other times, we are closer than friends. We are companions. Wherever I go, you are with me. As both threat and asset. You make for a marvelous bodyguard but equally appealing as a partner of a different sort.
Will you take my other robe? I still want to see you wear it.
It's not a lifestyle that I'm used to, I can tell you that much. You made for a good guide in that world of luxury where I've only ever been when I was standing silently at some important madman's side before now. I could tell that you were enjoying yourself.
In an imagining where anything is possible, being more than the asset is an appealing thought. It's been a long time since I've been anyone's companion in that way. I hope that in your images on the matter, I make for good company.
No. You are not like them. For the reasons that you mentioned--my benefit and my free will in the matter--and because surely you have studied men like Alexander Pierce enough to know the ways that you would differ from him.
I would be the way that I am now. Maybe a little contrary and just as vocal in speaking out my differences with you. But welcoming the similarities as well.
We both know how I differ from Pierce. He gave the order for many of your last missions, even if you had not seen him face to face for all of them. Do you wish you had been able to exact revenge?
You should not hold back on contrary opinions with me. You don't seem to do it now. I wouldn't want you to.
He gave me orders for more than the last ones. I remember him when he was young and I remember seeing his face change over the years, each time when I was pulled from cryofreeze on his orders. He's dead. Does it matter how or by what hand?
I don't but that might be an attractive trait over days; maybe less so over the course of years if we had that together.
It does not matter to history or to HYDRA. But if it matters to you, then it matters.
You have implied more than once that I might grow tired of you if we spent more time together. While we cannot predict impossible futures, I assure you I would only find you more interesting. Not less.
It matters to me. It all matters to me. I know that I'm supposed to be putting it behind me and moving beyond the traumas of the past but it's ever present and it feels like a lie to say it's not.
Maybe I think that James Barnes isn't as interesting as the Winter Soldier. So as I become more detached from that part of myself, I suppose I wonder. But thank you for saying that.
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branchandroot
always
Date: 2021-04-17 10:36 pm (UTC)You've done what you promised to do. And more than what you said that you would. You deserve to have as much of that time as you can, borrowed as it might be.
I've never been accused of being the optimist before.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 02:00 am (UTC)We have played a zero-sum game. Depriving me of my life brings you nothing, and the reverse is true for me. What I deserve in the meantime is of little consequence. I'll take what you are willing to give me. That much must be clear to you now.
Maybe you just never had a reason to share such optimism. I hope, for both our sakes, that we will meet again under better circumstances.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 12:37 pm (UTC)I think I've made it clear what I intend to offer in the meantime. That the time between now and what has to happen is off the record. No one has to know what happens between us except for us.
I hope so too. I like to think that maybe the universe owes me a little bit. Maybe time to cash in.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 05:37 am (UTC)Much of what you do is off the record. I don't need to indulge in such secrecy myself. Not here. I would show you off, if I could. I thought maybe I could be satisfied simply by travelling with you. Letting you access places you could never reach without my help. But it has only inspired further imaginings for me.
A pity we will soon run out of time when hope seems at its brightest. Cash in on your favours now. Come see me.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 12:13 pm (UTC)Didn't you get your fill of showing me off in Madripoor? What are you imagining then? I know that you have enjoyed exposing me to your wealth and privilege. What else?
Alright. I'll come see you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 06:45 am (UTC)As for my imaginings, they vary in scope. Sometimes I imagine you as my business partner, like we had discussed. Longtime friends who share worldviews. Other times, we are closer than friends. We are companions. Wherever I go, you are with me. As both threat and asset. You make for a marvelous bodyguard but equally appealing as a partner of a different sort.
Will you take my other robe? I still want to see you wear it.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 11:44 am (UTC)In an imagining where anything is possible, being more than the asset is an appealing thought. It's been a long time since I've been anyone's companion in that way. I hope that in your images on the matter, I make for good company.
Yes. I'll wear it for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 02:18 pm (UTC)In my imaginings, you don’t behave too differently than you do now. That would make you someone else. What kind of companion would you be?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 03:30 pm (UTC)I would be the way that I am now. Maybe a little contrary and just as vocal in speaking out my differences with you. But welcoming the similarities as well.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 07:46 pm (UTC)You should not hold back on contrary opinions with me. You don't seem to do it now. I wouldn't want you to.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 11:36 pm (UTC)I don't but that might be an attractive trait over days; maybe less so over the course of years if we had that together.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 06:29 pm (UTC)You have implied more than once that I might grow tired of you if we spent more time together. While we cannot predict impossible futures, I assure you I would only find you more interesting. Not less.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 09:42 pm (UTC)Maybe I think that James Barnes isn't as interesting as the Winter Soldier. So as I become more detached from that part of myself, I suppose I wonder. But thank you for saying that.