steve didn't get to watch things happen, though. not as much as i did.
[ which isn't actually all that much, if you count how often he was frozen, but he still kept up somewhat. his handlers also kept him briefed on important changes when it came to tech, weapons, and the like. society, though? that was something entirely different. ]
it's hard to explain
fellas back then couldn't be open about this shit. it wasn't about being coy or flirting with them. do that with the wrong one and you'd get your teeth knocked out
[ it's always a little strange, discussing things from back then. it feels like it just happened, even though it was an entire lifetime ago. ]
i got real good at sneaking around. using hand signals. once you figured out who was into it things were pretty direct. not like we had the luxury of dating or anything
Steve didn't get to watch anything happen. But neither did you. Not in any meaningful way.
[ and this, zemo is very conscious of. he might not know the extent to which james was present when the soldier was released from his icy prison, but he can imagine the changes in time were dealt with matter of fact and without preamble. ]
No, of course you could not be open. Even in my home, I was discouraged from seeking affection from other young men. I learned to have private rendezvous, trysts that my friend Oeznik helped me to cover. I found a way to cope as you did, as all the men who slept with did.
Did you ever want to date them? Or have something beyond a sexual encounter? Did you want romance?
[ hearing about zemo's trials and tribulations as a young man doesn't exactly stir much sympathy in bucky's heart, but it's interesting, at the very least, to know a bit more about the other man. maybe if he can learn more about zemo's past he'll feel like things between them are a little less unbalanced.
the questions, though - those make him go silent for a few moments, almost long enough to indicate that he's done with their conversation.
they both know better than that, though. ]
with most of them? no. that was just an itch i needed to scratch
[ another pause. how much is willing to confess? ]
there was one guy though
dunno why but
for some reason, i always wondered what it would be like. if we could be together like it was normal.
[ zemo is nothing if not a patient man. if james won’t indulge him now, he’ll find a way to get him to answer later.
not that he needs to. but he would, just to keep learning more about james like this, these little truths he reveals a step at a time. zemo will covet every single one like a precious gemstone. ]
It sounds like you found something in this man that felt good and comfortable. Stability. Honesty, maybe. When did you meet him? Were you young?
[ bucky shouldn't be talking to zemo like this in the first place, but - well, here they are. there's a difference, though, between sharing mundane details of his past and confessing his love for a certain someone. he has no doubt zemo will find a way to use this information against him.
and yet -- ]
yeah
we were kids. grew up together.
[ that's probably enough for him to figure it out. ]
[ the only reason zemo allows for the next bit of silence to follow is to allow padding for james’ dignity.
because it’s obvious, isn’t it? as obvious as any universal truth, that two men should share a bond that defied decades, generations, world wars, and such a bond would endure because james was in love.
it’s quite romantic, really. zemo can’t deny it. but it’s clear that it’s a wound for him too, and still open after all this time.
zemo’s touch lightens. they need not name what they both understand. ]
You might not have told him, but do you think he knew?
[ it hurts. even now, after everything, all the wars they've fought, the things they've been forced to let go of, the memories that stick to the inside of his skull - after all that, it hurts.
he shouldn't be talking to zemo about it. he should tell sam, or his therapist. people with the training to handle this kind of trauma and bullshit. but how do you tell someone something like this? that you've been so deeply in love for so long that there's a hole in your heart where that person should be?
it's not like steve's coming back, anyway. so what's the point? ]
i don't know.
[ it's as honest an answer as he's ever given. ]
doesn't matter. there were other things to worry about.
[ like saving the world, for one thing. bucky knows he should drop it there, leave it alone, but zemo somehow makes it so easy to keep going. somehow, it's like he knows exactly what bucky needs, just how to respond to help him figure out the broken puzzle inside his head. ]
just wish we had a chance to talk about it, i guess. find out how he felt.
[ the wounds on james are plentiful, textured and layered like oil paints. he’s covered in those scars and they’re so numerous they may as well form a hide.
this one scar zemo should have anticipated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. the piece fits - james is a man in mourning. and has been for a long time. ]
Regret, I think, is the one vulnerability that stays with us all our lives. Regret and guilt. It is a burden to feel a love so strong and never show it to anyone. So much affection you never got to share. I’m sorry for that.
[ why is it that zemo's the one person bucky feels comfortable enough with to share all of this? all this trauma, this pain, the lost life he wished he could've lived? he knows zemo's clever enough to store it away, to weaponize it when he finds the right time and place.
but now that bucky's admitted to it, it's as if the floodgates have opened. he can't stop himself even if he tries. so he keeps going, sending messages one after the other, out into the void between them without caring what zemo might do. ]
i used to think about it a lot. when i was in italy during the war
what if i came back and we could just - be. just go somewhere together, some farm in the middle of nowhere, where no one could find us out. raise chickens and shit like that.
[ too far from the doctor. not good for steve, who was always, always sick, despite how often he protested against his own reality. ]
[ something about this unburdening tells zemo that james' confession is less about his trustworthiness and more about the pandora's box james has suddenly opened in himself. maybe james would have told someone, anyone else - sam, surely - if only they had known to ask. it would fill zemo with a certain longing if he didn't get to enjoy the benefits of his keen eye for detail. because, ultimately, he's the one that gets to hear about james' lifelong desire to be seen by his closest friend. ]
While other men wrote to their sweethearts and carried pictures of the women they were to go home to, you were thinking of someone else.
[ that james' life is filled with such yearning only adds foundation to zemo's portrait of james. it becomes more real now, imagining a young man in his mid 20s, thinking about a handsome blond back home. ]
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branchandroot
Re: tfln overflow; vypolnyat
Date: 2021-05-15 10:18 pm (UTC)[ which isn't actually all that much, if you count how often he was frozen, but he still kept up somewhat. his handlers also kept him briefed on important changes when it came to tech, weapons, and the like. society, though? that was something entirely different. ]
it's hard to explain
fellas back then couldn't be open about this shit. it wasn't about being coy or flirting with them. do that with the wrong one and you'd get your teeth knocked out
[ it's always a little strange, discussing things from back then. it feels like it just happened, even though it was an entire lifetime ago. ]
i got real good at sneaking around. using hand signals. once you figured out who was into it things were pretty direct. not like we had the luxury of dating or anything
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 12:45 am (UTC)[ and this, zemo is very conscious of. he might not know the extent to which james was present when the soldier was released from his icy prison, but he can imagine the changes in time were dealt with matter of fact and without preamble. ]
No, of course you could not be open. Even in my home, I was discouraged from seeking affection from other young men. I learned to have private rendezvous, trysts that my friend Oeznik helped me to cover. I found a way to cope as you did, as all the men who slept with did.
Did you ever want to date them? Or have something beyond a sexual encounter? Did you want romance?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 11:59 am (UTC)the questions, though - those make him go silent for a few moments, almost long enough to indicate that he's done with their conversation.
they both know better than that, though. ]
with most of them? no. that was just an itch i needed to scratch
[ another pause. how much is willing to confess? ]
there was one guy though
dunno why but
for some reason, i always wondered what it would be like. if we could be together like it was normal.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 12:50 pm (UTC)not that he needs to. but he would, just to keep learning more about james like this, these little truths he reveals a step at a time. zemo will covet every single one like a precious gemstone. ]
It sounds like you found something in this man that felt good and comfortable. Stability. Honesty, maybe. When did you meet him? Were you young?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 01:01 pm (UTC)and yet -- ]
yeah
we were kids. grew up together.
[ that's probably enough for him to figure it out. ]
i never told him
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 02:21 pm (UTC)because it’s obvious, isn’t it? as obvious as any universal truth, that two men should share a bond that defied decades, generations, world wars, and such a bond would endure because james was in love.
it’s quite romantic, really. zemo can’t deny it. but it’s clear that it’s a wound for him too, and still open after all this time.
zemo’s touch lightens. they need not name what they both understand. ]
You might not have told him, but do you think he knew?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 02:31 pm (UTC)he shouldn't be talking to zemo about it. he should tell sam, or his therapist. people with the training to handle this kind of trauma and bullshit. but how do you tell someone something like this? that you've been so deeply in love for so long that there's a hole in your heart where that person should be?
it's not like steve's coming back, anyway. so what's the point? ]
i don't know.
[ it's as honest an answer as he's ever given. ]
doesn't matter. there were other things to worry about.
[ like saving the world, for one thing. bucky knows he should drop it there, leave it alone, but zemo somehow makes it so easy to keep going. somehow, it's like he knows exactly what bucky needs, just how to respond to help him figure out the broken puzzle inside his head. ]
just wish we had a chance to talk about it, i guess. find out how he felt.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 03:19 pm (UTC)this one scar zemo should have anticipated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. the piece fits - james is a man in mourning. and has been for a long time. ]
Regret, I think, is the one vulnerability that stays with us all our lives. Regret and guilt. It is a burden to feel a love so strong and never show it to anyone. So much affection you never got to share. I’m sorry for that.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 03:39 pm (UTC)but now that bucky's admitted to it, it's as if the floodgates have opened. he can't stop himself even if he tries. so he keeps going, sending messages one after the other, out into the void between them without caring what zemo might do. ]
i used to think about it a lot. when i was in italy during the war
what if i came back and we could just - be. just go somewhere together, some farm in the middle of nowhere, where no one could find us out. raise chickens and shit like that.
[ too far from the doctor. not good for steve, who was always, always sick, despite how often he protested against his own reality. ]
never thought we'd end up where we are now
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 06:02 am (UTC)While other men wrote to their sweethearts and carried pictures of the women they were to go home to, you were thinking of someone else.
[ that james' life is filled with such yearning only adds foundation to zemo's portrait of james. it becomes more real now, imagining a young man in his mid 20s, thinking about a handsome blond back home. ]
And where did you end up?