[ it hurts. even now, after everything, all the wars they've fought, the things they've been forced to let go of, the memories that stick to the inside of his skull - after all that, it hurts.
he shouldn't be talking to zemo about it. he should tell sam, or his therapist. people with the training to handle this kind of trauma and bullshit. but how do you tell someone something like this? that you've been so deeply in love for so long that there's a hole in your heart where that person should be?
it's not like steve's coming back, anyway. so what's the point? ]
i don't know.
[ it's as honest an answer as he's ever given. ]
doesn't matter. there were other things to worry about.
[ like saving the world, for one thing. bucky knows he should drop it there, leave it alone, but zemo somehow makes it so easy to keep going. somehow, it's like he knows exactly what bucky needs, just how to respond to help him figure out the broken puzzle inside his head. ]
just wish we had a chance to talk about it, i guess. find out how he felt.
[ the wounds on james are plentiful, textured and layered like oil paints. he’s covered in those scars and they’re so numerous they may as well form a hide.
this one scar zemo should have anticipated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. the piece fits - james is a man in mourning. and has been for a long time. ]
Regret, I think, is the one vulnerability that stays with us all our lives. Regret and guilt. It is a burden to feel a love so strong and never show it to anyone. So much affection you never got to share. I’m sorry for that.
[ why is it that zemo's the one person bucky feels comfortable enough with to share all of this? all this trauma, this pain, the lost life he wished he could've lived? he knows zemo's clever enough to store it away, to weaponize it when he finds the right time and place.
but now that bucky's admitted to it, it's as if the floodgates have opened. he can't stop himself even if he tries. so he keeps going, sending messages one after the other, out into the void between them without caring what zemo might do. ]
i used to think about it a lot. when i was in italy during the war
what if i came back and we could just - be. just go somewhere together, some farm in the middle of nowhere, where no one could find us out. raise chickens and shit like that.
[ too far from the doctor. not good for steve, who was always, always sick, despite how often he protested against his own reality. ]
[ something about this unburdening tells zemo that james' confession is less about his trustworthiness and more about the pandora's box james has suddenly opened in himself. maybe james would have told someone, anyone else - sam, surely - if only they had known to ask. it would fill zemo with a certain longing if he didn't get to enjoy the benefits of his keen eye for detail. because, ultimately, he's the one that gets to hear about james' lifelong desire to be seen by his closest friend. ]
While other men wrote to their sweethearts and carried pictures of the women they were to go home to, you were thinking of someone else.
[ that james' life is filled with such yearning only adds foundation to zemo's portrait of james. it becomes more real now, imagining a young man in his mid 20s, thinking about a handsome blond back home. ]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 02:31 pm (UTC)he shouldn't be talking to zemo about it. he should tell sam, or his therapist. people with the training to handle this kind of trauma and bullshit. but how do you tell someone something like this? that you've been so deeply in love for so long that there's a hole in your heart where that person should be?
it's not like steve's coming back, anyway. so what's the point? ]
i don't know.
[ it's as honest an answer as he's ever given. ]
doesn't matter. there were other things to worry about.
[ like saving the world, for one thing. bucky knows he should drop it there, leave it alone, but zemo somehow makes it so easy to keep going. somehow, it's like he knows exactly what bucky needs, just how to respond to help him figure out the broken puzzle inside his head. ]
just wish we had a chance to talk about it, i guess. find out how he felt.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 03:19 pm (UTC)this one scar zemo should have anticipated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. the piece fits - james is a man in mourning. and has been for a long time. ]
Regret, I think, is the one vulnerability that stays with us all our lives. Regret and guilt. It is a burden to feel a love so strong and never show it to anyone. So much affection you never got to share. I’m sorry for that.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-16 03:39 pm (UTC)but now that bucky's admitted to it, it's as if the floodgates have opened. he can't stop himself even if he tries. so he keeps going, sending messages one after the other, out into the void between them without caring what zemo might do. ]
i used to think about it a lot. when i was in italy during the war
what if i came back and we could just - be. just go somewhere together, some farm in the middle of nowhere, where no one could find us out. raise chickens and shit like that.
[ too far from the doctor. not good for steve, who was always, always sick, despite how often he protested against his own reality. ]
never thought we'd end up where we are now
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 06:02 am (UTC)While other men wrote to their sweethearts and carried pictures of the women they were to go home to, you were thinking of someone else.
[ that james' life is filled with such yearning only adds foundation to zemo's portrait of james. it becomes more real now, imagining a young man in his mid 20s, thinking about a handsome blond back home. ]
And where did you end up?